Yesterday afternoon, having been gone from our office for several minutes for consultation with other high-powered academic administrators, we discovered the following note:
Follow the instructions and your chickens will not be hurt
Leave $73 in unmarked bills in the garbage can west of the bookstore on the bottom floor of Presidents Hall.
Next: Fire the heretics Dyke, Read and Derico
When this has been completed, post a message on your blog with the Title: “The Chickens Have Flown the Coop”Leave whatever message you want underneath that.
Do NOT indicate that your precious chickens have been kidnapped. To do so will result in the breaking of one chicken head an hour until the $73 has been recovered.
Don’t test me on this. Just do it.
Your chickens will be returned at the end of Fall Break upon completion of necessary tasks.
Naturally, we sought to fulfill every condition of the ransom demands. We delivered the ransom money in exact change using the bill pictured on the left, emailed the colleagues in question that they were "fired," even though they weren't, and posted the specified message on the blog.And now we are pleased to announce that all of our chickens have been restored to our office.
Well, actually, they never left. They were hidden inside the cabinet where SWNID keeps tea, cereal, mugs, bowls and flatware. Which is to say, they were hidden in plain sight.
Hats off to gentle reader Rustypants and his accomplice The Godfather of Soul for pulling off this most humorous and delightful of pranks.
And to colleagues and brothers Dyke, Read and Derico, you have your jobs back.
7 comments:
I am glad to hear that your chickens have been returned, but the question remains, why chickens. Don't you have more valuable relics in your office. Who is the Godfather of Soul? There was not a link attached to his name. Hope that SWNID feels at ease now and that his habit of referring to himself as "we" would cease in the near future. The only person who is able to refer to himself as "we" or "us" is the triune God.
Why chickens? Because I would like to have actual egg-laying chickens, because I love fresh eggs, but Mrs. SWNID insists, rightly, that they're smelly and too much bother. So my friends buy me cheap, funky decorative chickens.
"James Brown" is the Godfather of Soul. No link was forthcoming for this character, "travis the antagonist."
To Travis the Antagonist, I would add that proper (i.e., stilted) English (i.e., the kind that professors force their students to write) allows "we" to refer to one other than the triune God. In such contexts, it is known as "the plural of majesty." The question, then, is whether SWNID is majestic enough to assume the title for himself (or themselves, as the case may be).
travis, unfortunately i have to go with jw and jb on the use of "we" - the american heritage dictionary's fifth definition for the use of "we" includes the following:
Used instead of 'I' by a sovereign in formal address to refer to himself or herself.
so, even though we may find him to be a despot (n. : a cruel and oppressive dictator), this would still make him sovereign.
and all of this points back to my post regarding google and other online sources of knowledge.
Do I have to return the severance pay I received in unmarked $73 "Bills" or am I permitted to keep them? If I am reinstated to the faculty am I allowed restroom privileges? Also was there a lapse in my health benefits? So many questions that the voices in my head keep asking and you people, if it is lawful to call you that, refuse to answer.
Danny Joe
whoa! wait a minute!! you mean Dyke got one of these bills, too?
i warned you about making a mockery of this, weatherly!!
your precious chickens may again be in peril!! someone's about to lose their head!!! avast!
The peril that the chickens face is that the fat guy will steal them and forget they are fake and try to eat them. Not just try --he will eat them.
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