Iraqi Government Notes USA's Lack of Progress on Key Political Benchmarks

Evaluating the performance of its ally/patron, the Iraqi Government today issued a report card on the United States' progress on twenty-five critical political benchmarks. In contrast to their own attainment of satisfactory progress on eight of eighteen benchmarks set for them by the Americans, the Iraqis noted no satisfactory progress in any area to which they hold the United States accountable.

"Political and tribal divisions in the United States seem insurmountable," said one Iraqi official. There are schisms between rich and poor, black and white, English-speaking and Spanish-speaking, North and South, coasts and interior, red states and blue states, religious and irreligious, men and women, gay and straight, young and old, tastes-great and less-filling. We see little prospect for improvement until Americans set aside their tribal differences to solve the very real, very serious problems that they've faced for years--in some cases for generations."

Another official noted, "We Iraqis are tired of hearing about how we have to take a brand new democracy and do everything to the liking of the Americans. It seems to us that the American Congress won't even do what the Americans expect. They're even more unpopular than Bush, and no wonder!"

On condition of anonymity, a third remarked, "We've been lectured for years now by Americans about settling our differences without fighting. Iraqis know that about a million Americans died in their civil war, when they had only about 25 million people in the whole country! And from what we see on CNN, some of us think that America is on the brink of civil war again."

The list of American Political Benchmarks, on all of which the United States receives failing grades, is as follows:

1. balancing the federal budget
2. reducing federal taxes
3. establishing fairness in the federal tax code between rich and poor
4. elimination of disincentives to savings and investment in the federal tax code
5. addressing the widening gap in income between rich and poor
6. resolution of the legacy of racism and slavery
7. reduction and elimination of the trade deficit
8. reopening of effective global-free-trade negotiations
9. resolution of the health insurance crisis
10. containment of health insurance costs
11. establishing long-term solvency for Social Security
12. elimination of agricultural subsidies that underwrite agribusiness conglomerates and discourage free trade with developing countries
13. development of a workable public transportation plan
14. establishing an effective energy policy that deals with both supply and demand
15. provision for adequate student aid for higher education
16. containment of higher-education costs
17. resolution of the school-voucher controversy
18. guaranteeing broadcasters freedom of expression apart from government interference through a re-established "Fairness Doctrine"
19. guaranteeing freedom of political speech apart from the McCain-Feingold bill
20. settlement of the abortion controversy
21. control of the border with Mexico
22. establishment of clear, enforceable standards for legal immigration
23. provision for decent, timely service in the issuing of US passports
24. enforcement of decent standards of integrity and effectiveness at the United Nations
25. elimination of the Designated-Hitter rule from the American league