Today's Independent reports the latest on global warming from that always informative international organization, the UN.
To wit: cows, not cars, are heating the planet to the boiling point.
The calculation is made by considering the effect of all aspects of cattle production, from fertilizer manufacture to transportation of feed and livestock to clearing of forests to runoff from feedlots to methane and ammonia excreted by cows.
Eliminating this scourge is clearly a global priority, as the damage done will double by 2050.
And if it all sounds a bit outrageous to you, well, we beg to differ. Cincinnati has already been terrorized by two runaway cows in recent years, only to be rescued by dedicated environmentalist and aged hippie artist Peter Max. Such disruptions to the social fabric haven't even been considered by the august UN.
We've decided to do all we can to reduce this plague. Our personal commitment is to eat all the beef that we can in the coming months, to get it out of circulation and so discourage others from participating in this unholy practice of animal slavery and murder that is damaging our arteries, our planet and our very souls.