What Gentle Readers Have Been Waiting For: The SWNID Superlatives for 2007

Having patiently waited out the flurry of journalistic retrospectives at year end, we here present our annual SNWIDish reflection on the year just completed.*

Most Sound and Fury Signifying Nothing: The Golden Compass. The movie opened with a bang of controversy over its atheism. It is ending with a whimper of failure at the discount theaters. Be warned, Hollywood, and learn the lesson of Joel Osteen: God is more commercial than anti-God.

Most Positive Political Development (Western Hemisphere Division): Venezuela’s defeat of Chavez’s president-for-eternity referendum. We congratulate again Venezuelan friends and neighbors for demonstrating again the spirit of Simon Bolivar.

Most Positive Political Development (Eastern Hemisphere Division): General Petraeus’s success in pacifying Iraq. We now can begin to glimpse the benefits of the Bush Doctrine: American or American friendly power is firmly projected on two sides of Iran, three sides of Syria and, thanks to a brilliant diplomatic move with India, two sides of Pakistan. There may be trouble ahead, but while there are soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines in the neighborhood, there will be less trouble.

Biggest Historical Farce: The so-called Jesus Tomb, probably the most egregious example of P. T. Barnum’s riposte about suckers since his own petrified man. Runner Up (Continuing Saga Division): The Gospel of Judas, now exposed as mistranslated by the clever Coptic scholars employed by National Geographic. Upcoming question: what “revelations” will Easter 2008 hold?

Most Good Money After Bad: Mart Green’s $70 million gift to Oral Roberts University. How much bad architecture and bad leadership does it take to disqualify a “Christian” university from support?

Most Misunderestimated Public Figure: Dubya. The Ds in Congress got approximately 0% of what they sought. We expect the end of the Bush administration to be themed as “Strange New Respect” for 43’s accomplishments, and we expect historians to laud Bush for his aggressive stance toward Islamofascism and his forward-looking positions on education, Social Security and health insurance (the latter two still unrealized).

Most Embarrassing Christian (National Division): Three-way tie between John Hagee (Christology Subdivision), Richard Roberts (Graft Subdivision) and Pat Robertson (Legacy subdivision). Honorable mention: James Dobson (Political Meddling Subdivision).

Most Embarrassing Christian (Local Division): Darlene Bishop, Queen of the Church of Butter Jesus, a.k.a. Solid Rock Church. Her opulent lifestyle and tacky taste have now been complemented by accusations of malfeasance from family members. We pose the rhetorical and theological question as to whether it honors the Christ of the cross to claim to have been miraculously healed by the power of his Spirit while carrying out such a lifestyle.

Biggest Political Disappointment: As we have said many times before, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson. Calculating that he couldn’t beat Hillary and Obama, he sold his political soul with a ridiculously extreme pose on Iraq to get into Blair House. Bill, you could have been a contender!

Biggest Entertainment Disappointment: 24. Poor Jack is becoming a self-parody. As we have said, we now watch for the same reason we go to Reds games: we know that what we’re seeing isn’t that good, but maybe we’ll see something that we haven’t seen before.

Biggest Entertainment Fulfillment: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The ease with which some point out the weaknesses of the Potter saga is ironic testimony to its impressive intergenerational and intercultural narrative power. Our generation is unlikely to experience again a phenomenon like this one.

Greatest Political Naivety: Randall Balmer, Ron Sider, Jim Wallis, Tony Campolo, Bruce Larsen and other spokespeople of the resurgent Christian Left. We say again that intentions are not the same as outcomes, that socialism is proved to impoverish and pacifism proved to kill. We also say that those who chase trends, in this case hatred of Bush and disillusionment with the Reagan Revolution, are destined to be quickly out of fashion. Oddly, in Mike Huckabee the Christian Left has a candidate who espouses most of the policy positions that they love and all of the subcultural characteristics that they hate.

Most Left-Wing Consolation Prizes: Shadow President Al Gore, winner of the Oscar and co-winner of the Nobel Prize, and all for a movie that overtly distorts facts. When the Left can’t prevail on the big prizes, it substitutes those under its complete control. When one reflects that Rocky and Yassar Arafat were also winners of said prizes, the shine is off the proverbial apple.

Most Egregious Uses of the False Choice and Slippery Slope: Answers in Genesis and its Creation Museum. We assert yet again, in case there are those who still haven’t heard, that there are more alternatives than atheistic Darwinism and young-earth creationism, which alternatives in our view are more powerful to explain both the sacred text and the created world, and that those alternatives do not lead inexorably to universal social degradation. We will return to our “Day in the Museum” series as our precious time permits, but in the meantime we pose the following rhetorical question: If belief in a young earth leads so surely to saving faith and social order, and if Adam and Eve presumably knew the age of the earth and communicated it to their offspring, why did Cain kill Abel?

Most Successful Politician (Cincinnati Division): Mark Mallory. The quiet consensus builder had by the end of the year managed to get City Council and the County Commission together on The Banks and effectively silence the anti-Mallory opportunists among local politicians.

Most Accurate Fulfillment of SWNIDish Expectations by a Politician (Ohio Division): Ted Strickland. We tagged him as a party functionary of no wider consequence. His major achievement for his first year has been to prove that the Ds’ first loyalty is to public employee unions as he appeased the Ohio Federation of Teachers with opposition to charter schools and school vouchers. He remains popular precisely because he is so inconsequential.

Best Development in Cincinnati Economic and Social Life: The reduction in homicides and resurgence of downtown (tie). We can’t ignore the former, though it leaves lots of work left to do, especially in interrupting the drug trade and incarcerating drug traders before they become murderers and victims. We draw attention to the number of people who are going to events and lingering downtown now that a critical mass of attractions is regrouping downtown, especially the redeveloped Fountain Square. We offer the following unsolicited advice on the subject: Graeter’s, please keep the Fountain Square location open later, so that theater goers and sports fans can get a dip after the game or show is over.

Worst Proposal for Cincinnati Economic and Social Life: Having seen the price tag, we withdraw an earlier opinion to label as “worst” the proposed downtown-to-Over-the-Rhine streetcar. Cincinnati’s once powerful public transportation base is languishing, but this hugely costly project will have no impact on it whatsoever. Take the money and put it in more bus routes and bus trips, then couple it with incentives to get people out of their cars. But a streetcar for $100 million? How about a battleship?

Most Missed Musicians: Cellist and conductor Mstislav Rostropovich; drummer Max Roach; pianist, electronic keyboardist and composer Joe Zawinul; and pianist Oscar Peterson. Each was among the most successful and admired in their crafts. Each has left a long and extensive legacy of recordings for us who live on to enjoy. None will have a peer in the next generation, though the number of gifted musicians seems to increase geometrically.

Sports Figure of 2007 Most to Be Watched in 2008: Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher and slugger Micah Owings, who pitches better than most rookie pitchers and hits better than most veteran position players. Note to Reds management: make a deal for this guy before he catches on.

Best Strategy for Reducing Greenhouse Gases, If Such Matters: Megabus. The innovative provider of cheap, safe, clean and quick intercity bus travel is attacking the market by making it silly to drive between major cities. We know for a fact that people who would not take a bus otherwise are taking Megabus. And their latest promotion is to reduce their $1 teaser fares to $0 (to take advantage and get a chance at a free fare, enter the code WIN2008 on checkout at http://www.megabus.com/).

Better Choices for Person of the Year Than Time’s Choice of Vladimir Putin: Either General David Petraeus or the Mid-Level American Military Officer in Iraq. Putin’s growing nationalistic fascism is significant and troubling, but it’s mostly troubling if you’re one of the decreasing number of Russians in the world, for whose benefit Putin does his theatrical saber-rattling. For Time’s main market, Americans, the success in Iraq is most significant. For that we have to thank Petraeus for his superb anti-insurgency plan and, less noted but no less significant, American Army and Marine (mostly Army) officers at the ranks of colonel, major and captain. These latter have done superb work in building local alliances to quash al Qaida in Iraq. One whom we mention is Army Colonel Richard Welch, recently decorated with the Bronze Star, whom we were privileged to have taught some Greek once upon a time. Of course, who could accuse Time of wanting to ignore the success in Iraq for ideological reasons?

Best Choice for Republican VP Nominee to Arise in 2007: Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina. Graham has been right about the war, though a critic of the later Rumsfeld (non)strategy. He is a formidable speaker, well informed on foreign affairs, conservative without being a stereotypical conservative and appealing to Southerners without being a stereotypical Southerner. No one will doubt that he can step into the Oval Office if called upon. Plus, if the Dems try to look strong by nominating Jim Webb, we can look forward to more confrontations like the one on Meet the Press where Webb went postal on Graham for Graham's suggestion that the American military might be able to prevail in Iraq.

Legislative Body Even Less Productive Than the Iraqi Parliament: The US Congress under the leadership of Pelosi and Reid. No need to point out the obvious irony that the Congresswoman and Senator routinely point out the failures of their Iraqi counterparts, all of which is George Bush’s fault, of course.

Least Commonly Observed Distinction in Political Discourse: That health care is not the same as health insurance. In the United States, millions lack health insurance, though they can and generally do still receive health care. Observing this distinction would go a long way toward clarifying debate on this difficult subject.

Most Pointless Foreign Trip by a Politician: Nancy Pelosi’s Hermes-scarfed visit to Syria. It was embarrassing to thoughtful Americans at the time, though historic for histrionic Democrats. The embarrassment has faded with time, as embarrassments do. But now for her own party, the trip is a bad memory of how the regal Speaker has overreached and undergrasped.

Most Missed Higher-Education Story: That the kind of boozy sexual exploitation that led to the (demonstrably false) accusations against Duke lacrosse players is an ordinary part of most university campuses and though not limited to sports teams is often nurtured among them. Sooner or later Uncle Sam should decide whether Title IV funds should go to universities that compromise education with the toleration of binge drinking and consequent exploitative sexual behavior.

Most Wished for Event That Didn’t Happen: The death of Fidel Castro. Well, there’s always 2008. Maybe we can all celebrate New Year’s Eve in a free Havana.

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