Monday, February 04, 2008

Log of Superbowl Statements from Senators Kerry, Clinton, Others

We provide gentle readers with an overlooked part of Superbowl festivities, namely a log of statements made during the game by US Senators from the home states of the two teams, plus some other relevant stuff.

Pregame Joint Statement from Senators Kerry and Clinton: While we do not trust the Bush administration to provide the leadership that America needs to provide a Superbowl that will restore our nation's security at home and its respect abroad, we nevertheless affirm the pressing need for America to engage in this historic struggle. We vote to authorize the Super Bowl.

Statement from Senator Kerry at 5:01 in 1st Quarter: While I supported this game initially, I am now opposed to it. Intelligence that had the Patriots as favorites was clearly trumped up by the Bush administration, one of the many lies that this President has told the American people. I urge an end to this game as soon as possible, as a Patriot's victory is now clearly impossible.

Statement from Senator Clinton at 14:57 in 2nd Quarter: Had I known at the beginning of this game what I know now, I never would have supported it. Our only course of action is to end this game immediately. America's sports resources need to be devoted to the real contest, the NBA championship. Or NASCAR, if you're from the South, like I am, y'all.

Statement from Senator Kerry at 11:05 in 4th Quarter: It is by now clear to everyone that the Bush administration has completely mismanaged this game. Not another drop of Patriot blood should be shed for this unjust and unwinnable contest. I urge the President to withdraw our forces immediately.

Statement from Senator Clinton at 5:12 in 4th Quarter: I am the only person who can bring a dignified end to the debacle that this Super Bowl has become. I have the experience necessary to lead our country out of the quagmire that the Bush administration has created and bring our New York Giants home. Not another minute should be spent on this unwinnable game.

Statement from Senator Kerry at 2:07 in the 4th Quarter: This game was built on a lie to the American people. We were told that the Giants would welcome us as liberators. Instead we are engaged in a contest based on false intelligence foisted on us by the neocons who run the Bush administration. Not even my lucky hat is enough to bring victory to our New England Patriots.

Statement from Bill Belichick at 0:02 in the 4th Quarter: I've had enough of these statements, and I'm more embarrassed by these Senators than by my team's performance. Let's end this thing now.

Statement from House Speakere Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid During Postgame: President Bush's cronyism and tax cuts for the rich have yielded yet another injustice for the American people. In the last two years, the Super Bowl MVP award has gone to 0.07% of the families of NFL players. America's working families deserve better. We call on the President to redress the imbalance created by his unjust policies. Mr. President, it's time we restored the American Dream for everyone!

1 comment:

Bryan D said...

I'm so delighted by this continuing strand of satire that I find myself clapping my hands like a small child or trained sea lion at sea world.