Defying Odds, Robertson Embarrasses Christians Even More

Experts said he couldn't possibly say something more awful than his remarks about Hugo Chavez, but now he has.

Televangelist and professional Christian embarrassment Pat Robertson today attributed the stroke suffered by Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon as God's judgment against him for withdrawing from Gaza. CNN quotes Robertson further as saying:

He was dividing God's land, and I would say, "Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the [European Union], the United Nations or the United States of America."

God says, "This land belongs to me, and you'd better leave it alone."

In response to criticisms of Robertson's remarks from various quarters, Robertson spokeswoman Angell Watts said:

What they're basically saying is, How dare Pat Robertson quote the Bible!"

This is what the word of God says. This is nothing new to the Christian community.

Ms. Watts is noted by observers as apparently training to succeed Robertson as Most Embarrassing Christian when he is removed from the scene (see futher below).

Robertson apparently did not comment on whether overweight men in their late 70s and under enormous stress can be expected to suffer debilitating or fatal strokes. One source, who shall remain unnamed, suggested that his medical insight rivals his theological understanding.

Robertson's lead in the standings for Most Embarrassing Christian for 2006 now appears insurmountable, though the year is only five days old. Rumors are circulating that Jerry Falwell may announce his retirement from ministry in despair of ever overtaking Robertson.

Meanwhile, at SWNID headquarters, the prognostication department has issued the following bulletin:

We predict that Mr. Robertson will himself expire in the not too distant future of some physical ailment that some will find justification in attributing to divine judgment against him for every stupid thing he's said in the name of God on his nutty television program.

Israel to Robertson: So's Your Old Man

Various news agencies are reporting that the Israeli Tourism ministry has announced that Pat Robertson will be excluded from any development of the proposed Biblical theme park in Galilee.

Meanwhile, Robertson has reportedly issued an apology. Delivered by hand to Sharon's son (does anybody wonder how Robertson gets money for this stuff?), the letter ascribes Robertson's "inappropriate and insensitive" words to Robertson's "concern for the future safety of [Israel]."

This apparently was not enough to placate the tourism minister. Meanwhile, Hugo Chavez could not be reached for comment.

All this raises a question: now that Israel has broken ties with Robertson, will the rest of the world follow?

We can hope. And it seems that some have.

Over at the Conservative Voice, Adam Graham offers that Robertson has "jumped the shark" and calls for him to step down from the 700 Club. Graham's voice is heartening as he still finds means of viewing Robertson's legacy as positive in some regards, that is, "complex," like a "Christian Citizen Kane." He cites Robertson's notable achievements with Operation Blessing and Regent University, while noting his less than stellar record in politics.

But with Robertson's presence on TV, Graham nails the point succinctly:

CBN News is the crown jewel of the network. I remember how the reporters and anchors showed professionalism and poise while covering stories the mainstream media ignored. It is indeed for this reason that Robertson needs to step down from the 700 club. His comments detract from the professionalism of the committed men and women who work for his network. ... A man with foot in mouth disease should not be a broadcaster.

So what is Robertson's complex legacy? Again, we'll quote Graham:

Certainly, if at the end of my days, if it could be said that I helped feed millions, spread the Gospel across the globe, wrote a book on the end times that was better than Tim LaHaye's and rejected the pre-trib rapture, and hosted a TV show with a former Miss America that'd sound like a successful life to me. If on the other hand, I provided a forum for heretics and conmen, brought shame on my network through ill-chosen and unwise pronunciations, and had my political organization shrink to a shell of its former self because of my organizational decisions, than I'd have to consider my life a failure. What then if both were true? I guess that makes him human. For the flaws of great men are very great indeed.

SWNID, being SW but NID, says that Robertson's views of the end times are only marginally less flawed than LaHaye's. But we'll grudgingly grant Mr. Graham's assessment of Robertson's legacy, especially if doing so will in any respect hasten Robertson's departure from the airwaves.

Robertson Scores Again in Most Embarrassing Christian Competition

Televangelist and erstwhile Republican presidential candidate Pat Robertson has scored again in the competition to be named Most embarrassing Christian ever.

Noting the recent spate of earthquakes and hurricanes, Robertson said on CNN's late edition, "These things are starting to hit with amazing regularity."

Robertson could not say whether hurricanes and earthquakes have been irregular in the past.

Continuing, he opined,

If you read back in the Bible, the letter of the apostle Paul to the church of Thessalonia [sic], he said that in the latter days before the end of the age that the Earth would be caught up in what he called the birth pangs of a new order. And for anybody who knows what it's like to have a wife going into labor, you know how these labor pains begin to hit. I don't have any special word that says this is that, but it could be suspiciously like that.

Such a text does not exist in the "the letter of the apostle Paul to the church of Thessalonia," that is, in either letter to the church in Thessalonica. Robertson was apparently trying to recall the statement of Jesus in Matthew 24:7-8 and parallels, actually quoted in the article linked above, though not by Robertson. He further assumes that Jesus' statement is about increased frequency or more regular occurrence of such disasters, even though the text says nothing of any increase, rather than simply their ongoing occurrence despite the coming of God's kingdom, an idea that coheres with the context of Jesus' remarks.

Robertson denied himself additional points in the Most Embarrassing standings by not claiming oracular powers of interpretation in this instance. WorldNet Daily notes:

When asked if the world was approaching that [final] moment, Robertson said, "It's possible. I don't have any special revelation [emphasis inserted] to say it is but the Bible does indicate such a time will happen in the end of time. And could this be it? It might be."

Robertson was awarded some additional points for this statement, which, while not claiming divine revelation to interpret the Bible in this instance, does indicate that he expects such revelation occasionally and is willing to claim it publicly. Misnaming a biblical book and mis-citing a text while at the same time claiming oracular interpretation would constitute an embarrassment trifecta seldom achieved in international Christian Embarrassment competition.

Robertson also received a few points for chauvinism with the clause "for anybody who knows what it's like to have a wife going into labor." Alert judges noted that this selection of words implies that men with wives who have experienced labor can understand a text about the onset of labor pains while women who have actually experienced labor are excluded.

Robertson's remark has prompted some observers of the Most Embarrassing Christian competition to call for a quick end to it. "Robertson is so far ahead, it's impossible to see how anyone could ever pass him," offered one informed fan. "Finding someone in bed with a live boy or a dead girl wouldn't be enough to pass Robertson now, as Jimmy Swaggert proved twenty years ago." But backers of Jerry Falwell insist that he may still have a bon mot left that can bring him back within striking distance.

Robertson Back as Most Embarrassing Christian

Why is Haiti always in such a mess? Is it bad governance? A culture corrupted by the values of voodoo? Mismanagement of natural resources? All of the above?

No, says Pat Robertson. Haiti made a binding, irrevocable pact with the devil some generations ago.

Pat Robertson on Haiti Disaster
by burghnews

Apparently all Haitians did this for all time, affecting all Haitians forever. Except, apparently, those who have emigrated.

And this is what Mr. Robertson does to assure the public that he should receive their relief donations.

Please stop anyone you know from ever listening to this man again, let alone sending him money.

P.S. Mr. Robertson, Haiti achieved independence from France in the time of Napoleon Bonaparte, not Napoleon III.

One More Note on Pat

Today's flurry of Pat Robertson news coincides with a nice little part of SWNID's life.

We have been invited to preside in February at the wedding of a CCU alumna and her betrothed, the nuptials to be held at the Founders' Inn of Virginia Beach, Virginia. Such invitations are always a delight of course, as they allow us to enjoy a very happy occasion with an esteemed former student and her family and friends. The occasion provides many blessings and involves only the slightest of inconveniences, such as being sure that one has complied with the laws of the state in regard to the solemnization of marriages.

As it happens, Virginia requires that those who celebrate weddings as religious officiants be registered with the county court where the wedding will be held.

This means that SWNID must be registered with the county that is home to the ever-embarrassing Pat Robertson as he holds forth so eloquently on the 700 Club.

And so we wish that Virginia would find a way to pass a law to require televangelists to register and then find an excuse to deny Robertson his registration. We believe that, given Robertson's record, even the conservative Roberts Supreme Court would uphold the constitutionality of such a statute and its application.

And all the saints said ...

Robertson Widens Lead Again

Not content with his massive lead in the standings for Most Embarrassing Christian Ever, televangelist and erstwhile presidential candidate Pat Robertson yesterday issued yet another embarrassing statement. Responding on his TV program the 700 Club to the Dover, Pennsylvania, School Board election that removed from office incumbent school board members who had passed a policy requiring the teaching of intelligent design (ID) with evolution, Robertson said,

I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city.

In addition to identifying support for ID as a means to securing God's favor, Robertson's remark continued his recent string of statements invoking divine judgment on people who oppose his politics.

After the program aired, Robertson attempted to soften his original statement with qualifications and explanations. Claiming that he was pointing out that "our spiritual actions have consequences," he offered:

God is tolerant and loving, but we can't keep sticking our finger in His eye forever.... If they have future problems in Dover, I recommend they call on Charles Darwin. Maybe he can help them.

analysts noted that Robertson's explanations continued his pattern of pronouncements on divine judgment and conditions for divine favor and were interpreted as a means of adding additional embarrassment to his original statement.

Promoting his book at a meeting of disaffected Southern Baptists at Mercer University, Jimmy Carter refused comment when asked if he thought that Robertson's statement was in response to Carter's recent embarrassing remarks pronouncing on the authenticity of George W. Bush's Christianity.

More on Haiti's "Pact with the Devil"

Why do the most outrageous statements involve half truths?

Pat Robertson's latest outrage--attributing Haiti's perennial misery to a 220-year-old "pact with the devil"--dimly reflects a reality.

But first, some questions:

• What in Mr. Robertson's understanding of history leads him to believe that anyone would need a pact with the devil to defeat the French?
• What in Mr. Robertson's understanding of theology leads him to believe that the French, who ran Haiti as a particularly brutal slave colony, somehow had not by their enslavement of humans made a pact with the devil?
• In light of the well-known historical fact that the Haitian revolution against the French seriously frightened slaveholders in the United States, provoking even more brutality in their own practice of chattel slavery, how does Mr. Robertson see his own country as unsullied by diabolical pacts?
• Is Mr. Robertson a latter-day Manichean, who imagines one class of people who inherently belong to the darkness and another who belong to the light? Has he abandoned the notion that we have all seen that the fruit was desirable and taken it and shared it? that we all have hearts set on evil continually? that we have all sought to build a tower to make a name for ourselves? that we were all dead in our trespasses and sins? that unless we repent, we will all likewise perish?
  
• As Mr. Robertson calls for a massive turning to God among the Haitians, does he deny the turning to God in Haiti that is the fruit of generations of Christian missionaries and Haitian Christians themselves? We ask whether he, as we do, knows an impressive array of Haitian Christians--bright, educated, dedicated, selfless, courageous--who set aside the pursuit of their own safety and security to bring the Good News to their oppressed, distressed countrymen. If not, we ask why he hasn't been paying attention.
  

But enough. To the half truth.

It is entirely fair, in the SWNIDish view, to refer to Haiti's situation as Satanic darkness. We are not alone in drawing the conclusion that Haiti is a basket case socially and economically largely because of a cycle of degradation fueled by the culture of voodoo, teaching that where advantage can be taken of another, the taking of advantage is the assertion of spiritual power and so right and good. Couple this with the legacy of an especially cruel regime of slavery, and Haiti exists in a distinct, if not unique, situation of tragic, nearly intractable poverty. We again direct gentle readers to the seminal work of former State Department official Lawrence E. Henderson, whose analysis has convinced us and many of our Haitian friends.

If there is a Haitian "pact with Satan," it is not somehow magical and mystical. It is mostly the same pact that cruel, selfish humans make daily. Haiti is at the extreme end of the scale of effects of such diabolical dealing, but we make a smug mistake to think that the Haitian situation is somehow different in its essence from our own.

Just as Haiti is a product of a distinct set of historical circumstances, so is our Republic. The prosperity we enjoy is hardly a reward for exceptional righteousness. Rather, it is the consequence of generations of culture that internalized a portion of the wisdom of the Reformation and the political thought that it generated in the early Enlightenment: that human beings have natural rights and a natural proclivity toward selfishness and the aggrandizement of power, and so civic and political institutions must protect those rights and restrain that selfishness for the common good. Thus, an earthquake of similar magnitude in Northridge, California, had few of the terrible effects that the Haitian quake has wrought, as the opinionists at WSJ observed today. Our legacy of good governance has yielded prosperity that allows protective building codes that mitigate such disasters.

Nevertheless, none of us is beyond the reach of tragedy, pain and death. Their seemingly random attacks are the awful reminders that break through our delusions to tell us that because life is short, it is also urgent. When we realize that such urgency must drive us to find God, we have received the very message that we could never hear without such events. And the great irony is that the message we then find--or that finds us--tells us that tragedy and death do not have the final word.

We first visited Haiti in the early 1990s, as usual, to teach a group of people something from the New Testament. Our syllabus was 1-2 Peter; our locale, the Cite Soleil slum. About twenty residents came daily, many missing the chance to work and earn a little money for food.

Early in the week, a member of the class asked me--through my interpreter, Avenel Clersaint--"How can we say that God is taking care of us when we Haitians suffer so much?"

Flummoxed by the frank question, SWNID stumbled verbally. Mr. Clersaint responded, "Let me answer him. This is a Haitian thing." He then proceeded to give an impassioned, articulate response in Haitian Creole, of which I understood not a word. The student seemed more than satisfied and replied briefly.

"Avenel, what did you say?" was the SWNIDish response.

"I told him that God had taken care of him. Though he hasn't had work for over two years, he and his family have had food to eat. That's God's care for him."

"What did he say back to you?"

"He wants you to ask the American Christians to pray for Christians in Haiti because we face so many temptations."

Pray that way, as well as for God's work to alleviate the present suffering of Haiti.* Give to that end as well. But let us also take heed for ourselves.

_________________
*Avenel and his family are indeed among the safe in the Port-au-Prince area.

Robertson Follows Clinton Example, Widens Lead in Embarrassment Standings

Responding to criticism of his remarks about Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, professional Christian embarrassment Pat Robertson has issued an apology coupled with the remark:

"I didn't say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him
out.' And 'take him out' can be a number of things, including kidnapping;
there are a number of ways to take out a dictator from power besides killing
him. I was misinterpreted by the AP [Associated Press], but that happens all
the time."

Observers note that Robertson's claim to have been misinterpreted is seriously weakened by the context of his original remark, which included: "If he [Chavez] thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it."

Inside sources reveal that Robertson's inspiration for this pallid equivocation was President Bill Clinton's famous remark, "It depends on the definition of is." Those sources refuse to speculate whether Robertson will continue to imitate the two-term Democrat president.

Robertson's apology and equivocation have moved him further ahead of rival Jerry Falwell in the standings as Most Embarrassing Christian Ever.

(Hat tip to Son of SWNID for the idea. See also, SWNID is loath to admit, the fine satirical piece on the Brown Daily Squeal.)

Robertson Leading in Most Embarrassing Christian Standings

Remarks yesterday by televangelist Pat Robertson moved him back into sole possession of first place in the standings for Most Embarrassing Christian Ever.

Robertson's call for the assassination of the president of Venezuela placed him ahead of Jerry Falwell, with whom he has been in a statistical dead heat for several months.

Robertson enjoyed several years alone in first place after his comical bid for the Republican presidential nomination in 1988. Falwell, who dropped in the standings during a period of near sanity as a frequent guest on ABC's Nightline, has more recently put together a string of outrageous statements to challenge Robertson for supremacy.

The two have been tied for first place since just after September 11, 2001, when both stated that the terrorist attacks were a form of divine judgment on America for abortion, homosexuality and other immoralities.

Robertson's statement yesterday is regarded by some analysts as his most outrageous ever. "At least with the 9/11 remarks, he had some grounding in theological tradition for making such a claim," remarked one pundit, who asked not to be named. "But to hear a self-styled Christian leader calling for the assassination of a democratically elected president, even if he is a Marxist, achieves a new level of brainless, un-Christian lunkheadedness."

Robertson's Embarrassing Moments Matter

Hugo Chavez and his band of Castroites this week announced that they were expelling from Venezuela missionaries from New Tribes Mission, accusing them of operating for the CIA. For those who wonder why this is happening now, we need look no farther than The Most Embarrassing Christian Ever, Pat Robertson. Both New Tribes and SWNID's contacts in Venezuela firmly believe that Robertson's remarks prompted this move.

The retribution is not likely to end with New Tribes. Our friends tell us that in August, the Venezuelan government was briefly denying visas to missionaries. It looks like Christian missionaries in Venezuela are likely to continue to suffer unnecessarily for Robertson's nutty comments.

Of course, Robertson apologized for his call to "take out" Chavez. But he then accused Chavez of sending money to bin Laden. It just proves that you can't keep a good man down.

Anyway, SWNID knows that gentle readers understand and will make the appropriate response to the potential persecution of brothers and sisters in other parts of the world. We would ask especially for such a response on behalf of a Venezuelan national enrolled at CCU who as we speak is in Washington, DC to update his passport at the Venezuelan embassy. Let's ask that he get what he needs plus some extra time to see the sights.

Al Gore: The Pat Robertson of the Political Left?

Al Gore's recent speech proposing that the United States commit itself to generating all its electricity by "earth-friendly" means in ten years doubtless ranks as one of the most hideously absurd pieces of political speechmaking in recent memory. As a figure of the eco-socialist left, Gore is now as embarrassing to his cause as Pat Robertson is to Christianity.

We defer in large measure to the critique by James Pethoukoukis of US News and Rankings for Everything. He puts the absurdity of Gore in proper perspective, noting its technical impossibility, economic outrageousness, and even its ecological recklessness.

To Pethoukoukis's observations, we add the following:

• The beginning of Gore's speech is at the same time the most overblown nonsense and most hackneyed, bland rhetoric we've ever seen coming from a significant public figure. To quote: "There are times in the history of our nation when our very way of life depends upon dispelling illusions and awakening to the challenge of a present danger. In such moments, we are called upon to move quickly and boldly to shake off complacency, throw aside old habits and rise, clear-eyed and alert, to the necessity of big changes. Those who, for whatever reason, refuse to do their part must either be persuaded to join the effort or asked to step aside. This is such a moment." To that we say, Mr. Gore, what other moments in our nation's history are you referring to? We can't think of a one in which the entire economy of the country was "transformed" permanently by centralized command and control. Even in our most desperate wars, government control of the economy was temporary and partial. And how does your call to accept the "big changes" or "step aside" accord with your concern for civil liberties? Apparently, there is no place for dissent in the Republic of Earth in the Balance, though there's plenty of room for mealy-mouthed cliches.
  
• Most of the comments on Pethoukoukis's posting seem to assume that civilization is really facing its complete demise without action as prescribed by Gore. We SWNIDishly take such attitudes to reflect the views of such a tiny, fringe element that we are unconcerned at their irrational recklessness. But we wish for the same outlook for those, like panelists on Diane Rehm's program today, who think that even though the New Yorker cover was satire, too many people in the United States won't get the joke and will think Obama a Muslim (not that there's anything wrong with being a Muslim, right?). It's time for a bit more realistic indifference to the fringes and a lot less condescension toward the ignorant masses.
• E. J. Dionne, a liberal but normally a thoughtful one, actually liked the Gore speech, even though he admitted it was completely absurd in its premises and proposals. Dionne thinks that Gore is trying to give space to the candidates to make proposals on green energy by going out far to the left. We think that such a move is counterproductive to Gore's cause, as it makes the whole matter sound entirely silly. More for geopolitical reasons than ecological ones we think it's time to power ourselves with less oil from the Saudis, Iranians, Chavez and other petrol-totalitarians, but the cause isn't helped by silly appeals to the impossible.*
  
• But Dionne is probably not alone. A few days ago, NPR's Mara Liasson, one of the last holdovers from NPR's "Radio Sandinista" era of the 1980s, was on a panel on Morning Edition to offer buzz on veep selections. Asked at the end of the segment who she thought was likely, she gushed that Al Gore was the perfect running mate for Obama (since most people think he already won the 2000 election, of course). Never mind that Gore blew the perfect political chance in 2000 (heir to a popular president in a prosperous and peaceful era with a flawed candidate as his opponent) and has repeatedly made a fool of himself since: he's still the Perfect Candidate. (All this says more about the Democratic Party's political liabilities than one cares to consider.)
• We ask all media figures to please stop speaking of Gore as "Nobel Laureate Al Gore." The pretentiousness simply magnifies the man's already enormous pathos.

________________
*We are reminded of a recent conversation with a friend who recounted a church board meeting. At the meeting, the board had settled on a budget that was greater in cost than the previous year's but not as much as some among them had wanted. After the meeting, one member of the group complained about the outcome, saying something on the order of, I just think God is big enough to supply $300,000 if we put our faith in him. To which my friend and I thought the best response would be, Why stop at $300,000? Let's keep adding zeros! God is big enough!

Taylor Recaptured Before Robertson Opens Mouth

Good news today from Nigeria, where deposed Liberian despot, warlord and arch-criminal Charles Taylor, who disappeared from his home in Nigeria over the weekend, has been recaptured. Taylor had been granted asylum by Nigeria as part of a deal to end the 14-year civil war in Liberia, but the Nigerian government had recently bowed to international pressure to surrender Taylor to an international tribunal to face charges of crimes against humanity.

This good news is augmented by the fact that Taylor was captured before Pat Robertson, his partner in corrupt gold mining operations in Liberia, had the chance to issue yet another embarrassing-to-Christians-everywhere statement of support for the murderous, grafting weasel of an ex-dictator.

And in that light, we thank gentle reader Dave R for directing our attention to the timely and significant "Christians Against Pat Speaking" (CAPS) online petition. We urge gentle readers to follow the link and lend their support to a brotherly exhortation to Mr. Robertson to retire from all public statements and live the rest of his life in benign obscurity. This outcome would deprive SWNID of a favorite blog topic, but we are willing to make the sacrifice for the good of humanity and especially the good of the gospel.

Robertson Update: Tsunami in Seattle

Prolific prophetic pundit Pat Robertson (motto: "Always wrong, never in doubt") has offered his latest.

Storms will lash the coast of the United States!

Maybe even a tsunami! In the Pacific Northwest!

For those who are not sure whether even Mr. Robertson believes his own prognostications, we recommend the following:

Find a way to check out his investments, or the investments of a 501 (c) 3 organization under his control (e.g. Regent University). See if they're still invested in corporations with a major presence in the Pacific Northwest (Microsoft, Starbucks, etc.).

Then draw your own conclusions.

Robertson's Regent University in Financial Difficulty

Virginia Beach news sources report that Regent University, whose founder and chancellor is the esteemed Pat Robertson, is in financial trouble.

Now, that's an interesting statement to make for a university whose endowment, based on a $100 million founding gift from its founder's Christian Broadcasting Network*, now stands at $277.6 million, ranking it 203rd largest among American universities whose endowments are large enough to bother ranking. But the difficulty is that Regent has now operated at a deficit of between $12 million and $14 million for four years, financing the deficit by drawing down its endowment at a rate roughly double the recommended payout from university endowments of 5% per year.

In addition, Regent borrowed $99 million a few years ago to build residential facilities.

So, while there's lots of cash in the bank, unless income increases or expenses decrease, Regent will eventually run out of dough. Not next week, but not 300 years from now, either.

Regent's plan for recovery is massively to expand its nascent undergraduate division, which consists entirely of online courses (enrollment by headcount stood at 239 in 04-05 and 1046 last year; the goal for this year is 2500). Spokespeople say that they expect a surplus of tuition relative to expenses from online undergraduates and believe the potential pool of such students to be unlimited (Robertson, never one for understatement, once stated that he expected a quarter million online undergrads). They further suggest that because online students do not require classrooms, expansion can proceed indefinitely.

SWNID is skeptical of this plan, for several reasons, some of which we enumerate:

• Online courses can be unexpectedly expensive to administer. While they do not require bricks and mortar, they do require considerably more personnel hours than traditional courses. It is now legendary that universities underestimate the expense of online education.
• Expansion of online offerings requires expansion of the number of instructors who teach those courses and of administrative structures to maintain quality. There is a limited pool of folk who are qualified and willing to take on such tasks, and if Regent's enrollment were to expand rapidly, thanks to the immutable laws of supply and demand they'd be concurrently forced to pay more to get teachers and administrators, eroding their margins that they hope will balance their budget.
• Trends in online enrollment indicate that the majority of students who take online courses use them to shift time or fill in while they pursue a degree in a more traditional classroom. If such is the case, and if Regent continues to enroll only online undergraduates, we believe it will find that it will mostly enroll students from other universities in a course here or there, not full-time students who will take 40 courses from Regent to receive Regent's degree. It's no surprise that Regent is reporting headcount, not full-time equivalency, for its undergrad enrollment. We venture a guess that it has a very small number of students taking the equivalent of a full-time load of online courses, and not many more than that who are genuine degree candidates at their institution.
• The for-profit University of Phoenix is starting to look as if its bubble of online enrollment has burst. Meanwhile, it continues to pursue other delivery systems, largely in-person, nontraditional degree completion at scattered sites convenient to learners, which sustain its operations. Regent looks like it's getting on the bandwagon for the very strategy that Phoenix pioneered and from which it is now transitioning.

Regent University is saddled with other financial difficulties as well. It now owns the Founders Inn, a hotel built by CBN and, in a deal between Robertson-led entities, transferred to university ownership awhile back, which also operates at a deficit. Having once been a guest at a hotel (to conduct a most delightful wedding for a most delightful couple), we express an expectation that thanks to the location of the hotel away from the main tourist district of Virginia Beach and the mismatch between its cosmetic opulence and structural weaknesses (translation: it's a pretty colonial building with some of the worst noise and ineffectual plumbing we have experienced in a recently built hotel, and its starting to look shabby on the margins) it is probably doomed to bankruptcy. We've had better sleep downmarket.

Our interest in this matter is, we hope, not just Schadenfreude over the difficulties of an institution associated with a public figure whom we are accustomed to ridicule. We think that there are lessons here for our SWNIDish self and our colleagues in Christian higher education. To wit: the solution to budget deficits is not to wager everything on a new program that will generate income. It is first of all to look critically at patterns of expenditure while focusing on the health and quality of core operations. It is to do better what you do best and to bring expenditures into line with income, painful as that move is sometimes, than to throw a hail Mary downfield.

In fact, Regent seems to be doing what many other struggling universities have done, so much so that the narrative has become standard among the small cadre who consult with institutions of higher education. Rather than face the reality that its gift and tuition income are inadequate to support its current way of doing business (Regent's gift income has been, until fairly recently, less than the modest amount received annually by the much smaller and less famous joint of SWNIDish employment), it's pinning its hopes on something it hasn't done before and that others have attempted with, at best, mixed results. In essence, they're betting that their brand is strong enough to propel them to financial success in a new endeavor outside their immediate expertise, when in fact their brand is not currently strong enough to sustain what they already know how to do. Mr. Robertson's influence is diminished, his reputation tarnished, and with them the prospects are dimmer for the university best known for his having founded it.

For those who insist that it is a step of faith to embark in such a new venture on such uncertain terms, we counter that it is at least equally a step of faith to act on the conviction that God already supplies what we need to do our mission, if we rightly understand our need and our mission. "My God will supply all your needs" does not have the same behavioral outcome as "place your bets."

What's sad about this is that Regent has managed to create what seem to us to be some pretty good programs. Its law school has graduated some lawyers who are rising in conservative government circles, to the chagrin of the dominant left. Its doctoral programs in leadership, delivered as a hybrid of residential and online courses, are reported by SWNIDish friends to be beneficial. Its seminary program has recruited some fine scholars of the Pentecostal persuasion to do instruction.

It would be fine to sustain such operations to benefit more students. If they are not, however, Regent's alumni should remember that the real benefit of their education at what might eventually become a defunct university is not the panache of academic reputation but the intrinsic value of what they learned.
____________
*Side question, what was CBN doing with $100 million in extra cash? Was it raised specifically for the founding of the university? The pervasive criticism of Christian television in the United States, aside from its addiction to bad taste, is that the cost of staying on the air almost instantly turns even the most sincerely motivated new programmers into 24/7 crisis fundraisers. When such fundraising is successful and generates surpluses, the fundraising is then typically not reduced but continued to finance other ventures that result in a short-lived empire under the direction of the charismatic figure at the top of the broadcasting venture.

Much Awaited: SWNID on Robertson and Giuliani

Busy but begged, we offer our SWNIDish judgment on the incredible event of Pat Robertson's endorsement of Our Man Rudy.

On what this says about the World's Most Embarrassing Christian now that he has chosen rightly in Our Man, we simply offer the ancient aphorism that even a blind pig finds the occasional acorn.

On wider matters, our ever-optimistic heart beats faster with the thought that this event may give Our Man enough social conservative support to win the nomination while at the same time destroying Embarrassing Pat's credibility with his constituency and so eliminating his public influence and visibility.

It is too much to hope for both, but hope we will.

Pat Has a Busy Day

But there's more!

The Guardian reports that "a consortium of Christian groups, led by [drum roll] the television evangelist Pat Robertson [cymbal crash, trumpet fanfare]" is negotiating a free lease of land by the Sea of Galilee on which they will erect a "biblical theme park."

The Guardian describes the plan for the park as follows:

The site of the centre, covering nearly 50 hectares (125 acres) and provisionally called the Galilee World Heritage Park, would be north-east of the Mount of the Beatitudes where Jesus delivered the Sermon on the Mount, and Capernaum which was described as the town of Jesus in the Bible. It would feature a garden and nature park, an auditorium, a Holy Land exhibition, outdoor amphitheatres, information centre and a media studio.

Is there any good news in this? Only that Israelis may harbor enough suspicion of Robertson's motives (i.e. to convert Jews so that Jesus can come back) to nix the project before it's final. It's a question of whether they want the extra tourism more than they want to avoid having a theme park full of people who've come to see the Transfiguration hologram on Monday and pass out tracts to Israeli Jews on Tuesday.

If it does go up, we just hope that the style is not on the order of Golgotha Fun Park.

When Worlds Collide: Giuliani Speaks at Robertson's College

We knew that Our Man Rudy was brave when he led NYC through 9/11. But he was never more brave than yesterday, when he spoke on the campus of Regent University, where Pat Robertson, World's Most Embarrassing Christian, is chancellor.

WaPo's summary of the speech is here. Rudy managed to do 30 minutes , take questions, and never mention abortion.

We'd say more abut the speech, but you've read it all here before. Our Man says he's The Man because the defining issue of our day is the war on Islamic terrorism. So say we too.

Ott's Got Pat

Check out the sublime Scott Ott of ScrappleFace.com on the latest Pat Robertson embarrassment. It will show you why ScrappleFace was voted best humor blog last year in the Washington Post.

SWNID Proposes Kook Exchange

Today's news includes two stories that prompt us to offer an innovative proposal.

First, on the national scene, the Washington Times reports that self-styled "peace activist" Cindy Sheehan--apparently independently wealthy enough to spend all her time annoying people, unless "peace activist" is actually a paying profession--disrupted one of many Democrat events annoucing the agenda for Nancy Pelosi's first 100 hours as National Nanny (or is it House Speaker?).* Democrats had to leave the room, unable to stand up to a symbol of their core support on the loony left.

Second, on the local scene, today's Enquirer chronicles the progress, if it can be called that, of Mason School Board member and self-styled "Christian conservative" Jennifer Miller. It seems that Ms. Miller has managed to accomplish nothing in her first year on the board, except to polarize the community, alienate other board members, blast the schools with unsubstantiated charges of waste, and raise the specter of similarly ineffective political wannabes running and winning in local elections. As far as her "agenda" is concerned, she's done nothing, as she can't even get a second for her motions in board meetings.

Sheehan and Miller are both, of course, embarrassments to their most natural political constituencies. Neither understands that political change comes with listening, thought, careful speech, and incremental change. Both appear to glory in their self-proclaimed radicalness. It just feels so good to yell out loud that everyone else is corrupt and doomed.

And in the meantime, the folks who are actually getting it done have to endure the opprobrium that such self-righteous kookiness engenders. SWNID has known "Christian conservatives" who hold school board positions and other local government posts. They don't need to posture their principles. Instead, they use sweet reason to build consensus across lines of ideology and self-interest. They are irritated that what they do with wisdom and discretion gets blown up by the nutty combativeness of Miller's ilk. We expect that the same is true for people who feel some sort of affinity with Sheehan, though we simply can't empathize enough to comment further.

But we do have our own radical proposal to offer as a solution: a Kook Exchange. We'll trade Miller for Sheehan. Each will become ward of the other side: Miller of the leftist peacenicks, Sheehan of the noisy Christian conservatives. Their guardians will monitor their behavior, keep them mostly indoors and out of sight, and forbid any public pronouncements or headline grabbing.

And if the left says that Miller isn't a big enough personage to exchange for Sheehan, we'll gladly throw in Pat Robertson.
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*Gingrich's takeover of the House was marked by a 100-day legislative program. We look forward to future Speakers pledging governmental turnarounds in 100 minutes, then seconds. (Gentle readers may recall Igor Stravinsky's remark about composer John Cage's "Four Minutes and Thirty-Three Seconds," a piece of that exact length in which a pianist sits at a piano and plays nothing: "I look forward to Mr. Cage attempting similar works of major length.") More seriously, we remind Ms. Pelosi that Jack Bauer and 24 are fantasy, not to be taken as models of real-life behavior.

What Gentle Readers Have Been Waiting For: The SWNID Superlatives for 2007

Having patiently waited out the flurry of journalistic retrospectives at year end, we here present our annual SNWIDish reflection on the year just completed.*

Most Sound and Fury Signifying Nothing: The Golden Compass. The movie opened with a bang of controversy over its atheism. It is ending with a whimper of failure at the discount theaters. Be warned, Hollywood, and learn the lesson of Joel Osteen: God is more commercial than anti-God.

Most Positive Political Development (Western Hemisphere Division): Venezuela’s defeat of Chavez’s president-for-eternity referendum. We congratulate again Venezuelan friends and neighbors for demonstrating again the spirit of Simon Bolivar.

Most Positive Political Development (Eastern Hemisphere Division): General Petraeus’s success in pacifying Iraq. We now can begin to glimpse the benefits of the Bush Doctrine: American or American friendly power is firmly projected on two sides of Iran, three sides of Syria and, thanks to a brilliant diplomatic move with India, two sides of Pakistan. There may be trouble ahead, but while there are soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines in the neighborhood, there will be less trouble.

Biggest Historical Farce: The so-called Jesus Tomb, probably the most egregious example of P. T. Barnum’s riposte about suckers since his own petrified man. Runner Up (Continuing Saga Division): The Gospel of Judas, now exposed as mistranslated by the clever Coptic scholars employed by National Geographic. Upcoming question: what “revelations” will Easter 2008 hold?

Most Good Money After Bad: Mart Green’s $70 million gift to Oral Roberts University. How much bad architecture and bad leadership does it take to disqualify a “Christian” university from support?

Most Misunderestimated Public Figure: Dubya. The Ds in Congress got approximately 0% of what they sought. We expect the end of the Bush administration to be themed as “Strange New Respect” for 43’s accomplishments, and we expect historians to laud Bush for his aggressive stance toward Islamofascism and his forward-looking positions on education, Social Security and health insurance (the latter two still unrealized).

Most Embarrassing Christian (National Division): Three-way tie between John Hagee (Christology Subdivision), Richard Roberts (Graft Subdivision) and Pat Robertson (Legacy subdivision). Honorable mention: James Dobson (Political Meddling Subdivision).

Most Embarrassing Christian (Local Division): Darlene Bishop, Queen of the Church of Butter Jesus, a.k.a. Solid Rock Church. Her opulent lifestyle and tacky taste have now been complemented by accusations of malfeasance from family members. We pose the rhetorical and theological question as to whether it honors the Christ of the cross to claim to have been miraculously healed by the power of his Spirit while carrying out such a lifestyle.

Biggest Political Disappointment: As we have said many times before, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson. Calculating that he couldn’t beat Hillary and Obama, he sold his political soul with a ridiculously extreme pose on Iraq to get into Blair House. Bill, you could have been a contender!

Biggest Entertainment Disappointment: 24. Poor Jack is becoming a self-parody. As we have said, we now watch for the same reason we go to Reds games: we know that what we’re seeing isn’t that good, but maybe we’ll see something that we haven’t seen before.

Biggest Entertainment Fulfillment: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The ease with which some point out the weaknesses of the Potter saga is ironic testimony to its impressive intergenerational and intercultural narrative power. Our generation is unlikely to experience again a phenomenon like this one.

Greatest Political Naivety: Randall Balmer, Ron Sider, Jim Wallis, Tony Campolo, Bruce Larsen and other spokespeople of the resurgent Christian Left. We say again that intentions are not the same as outcomes, that socialism is proved to impoverish and pacifism proved to kill. We also say that those who chase trends, in this case hatred of Bush and disillusionment with the Reagan Revolution, are destined to be quickly out of fashion. Oddly, in Mike Huckabee the Christian Left has a candidate who espouses most of the policy positions that they love and all of the subcultural characteristics that they hate.

Most Left-Wing Consolation Prizes: Shadow President Al Gore, winner of the Oscar and co-winner of the Nobel Prize, and all for a movie that overtly distorts facts. When the Left can’t prevail on the big prizes, it substitutes those under its complete control. When one reflects that Rocky and Yassar Arafat were also winners of said prizes, the shine is off the proverbial apple.

Most Egregious Uses of the False Choice and Slippery Slope: Answers in Genesis and its Creation Museum. We assert yet again, in case there are those who still haven’t heard, that there are more alternatives than atheistic Darwinism and young-earth creationism, which alternatives in our view are more powerful to explain both the sacred text and the created world, and that those alternatives do not lead inexorably to universal social degradation. We will return to our “Day in the Museum” series as our precious time permits, but in the meantime we pose the following rhetorical question: If belief in a young earth leads so surely to saving faith and social order, and if Adam and Eve presumably knew the age of the earth and communicated it to their offspring, why did Cain kill Abel?

Most Successful Politician (Cincinnati Division): Mark Mallory. The quiet consensus builder had by the end of the year managed to get City Council and the County Commission together on The Banks and effectively silence the anti-Mallory opportunists among local politicians.

Most Accurate Fulfillment of SWNIDish Expectations by a Politician (Ohio Division): Ted Strickland. We tagged him as a party functionary of no wider consequence. His major achievement for his first year has been to prove that the Ds’ first loyalty is to public employee unions as he appeased the Ohio Federation of Teachers with opposition to charter schools and school vouchers. He remains popular precisely because he is so inconsequential.

Best Development in Cincinnati Economic and Social Life: The reduction in homicides and resurgence of downtown (tie). We can’t ignore the former, though it leaves lots of work left to do, especially in interrupting the drug trade and incarcerating drug traders before they become murderers and victims. We draw attention to the number of people who are going to events and lingering downtown now that a critical mass of attractions is regrouping downtown, especially the redeveloped Fountain Square. We offer the following unsolicited advice on the subject: Graeter’s, please keep the Fountain Square location open later, so that theater goers and sports fans can get a dip after the game or show is over.

Worst Proposal for Cincinnati Economic and Social Life: Having seen the price tag, we withdraw an earlier opinion to label as “worst” the proposed downtown-to-Over-the-Rhine streetcar. Cincinnati’s once powerful public transportation base is languishing, but this hugely costly project will have no impact on it whatsoever. Take the money and put it in more bus routes and bus trips, then couple it with incentives to get people out of their cars. But a streetcar for $100 million? How about a battleship?

Most Missed Musicians: Cellist and conductor Mstislav Rostropovich; drummer Max Roach; pianist, electronic keyboardist and composer Joe Zawinul; and pianist Oscar Peterson. Each was among the most successful and admired in their crafts. Each has left a long and extensive legacy of recordings for us who live on to enjoy. None will have a peer in the next generation, though the number of gifted musicians seems to increase geometrically.

Sports Figure of 2007 Most to Be Watched in 2008: Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher and slugger Micah Owings, who pitches better than most rookie pitchers and hits better than most veteran position players. Note to Reds management: make a deal for this guy before he catches on.

Best Strategy for Reducing Greenhouse Gases, If Such Matters: Megabus. The innovative provider of cheap, safe, clean and quick intercity bus travel is attacking the market by making it silly to drive between major cities. We know for a fact that people who would not take a bus otherwise are taking Megabus. And their latest promotion is to reduce their $1 teaser fares to $0 (to take advantage and get a chance at a free fare, enter the code WIN2008 on checkout at http://www.megabus.com/).

Better Choices for Person of the Year Than Time’s Choice of Vladimir Putin: Either General David Petraeus or the Mid-Level American Military Officer in Iraq. Putin’s growing nationalistic fascism is significant and troubling, but it’s mostly troubling if you’re one of the decreasing number of Russians in the world, for whose benefit Putin does his theatrical saber-rattling. For Time’s main market, Americans, the success in Iraq is most significant. For that we have to thank Petraeus for his superb anti-insurgency plan and, less noted but no less significant, American Army and Marine (mostly Army) officers at the ranks of colonel, major and captain. These latter have done superb work in building local alliances to quash al Qaida in Iraq. One whom we mention is Army Colonel Richard Welch, recently decorated with the Bronze Star, whom we were privileged to have taught some Greek once upon a time. Of course, who could accuse Time of wanting to ignore the success in Iraq for ideological reasons?

Best Choice for Republican VP Nominee to Arise in 2007: Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina. Graham has been right about the war, though a critic of the later Rumsfeld (non)strategy. He is a formidable speaker, well informed on foreign affairs, conservative without being a stereotypical conservative and appealing to Southerners without being a stereotypical Southerner. No one will doubt that he can step into the Oval Office if called upon. Plus, if the Dems try to look strong by nominating Jim Webb, we can look forward to more confrontations like the one on Meet the Press where Webb went postal on Graham for Graham's suggestion that the American military might be able to prevail in Iraq.

Legislative Body Even Less Productive Than the Iraqi Parliament: The US Congress under the leadership of Pelosi and Reid. No need to point out the obvious irony that the Congresswoman and Senator routinely point out the failures of their Iraqi counterparts, all of which is George Bush’s fault, of course.

Least Commonly Observed Distinction in Political Discourse: That health care is not the same as health insurance. In the United States, millions lack health insurance, though they can and generally do still receive health care. Observing this distinction would go a long way toward clarifying debate on this difficult subject.

Most Pointless Foreign Trip by a Politician: Nancy Pelosi’s Hermes-scarfed visit to Syria. It was embarrassing to thoughtful Americans at the time, though historic for histrionic Democrats. The embarrassment has faded with time, as embarrassments do. But now for her own party, the trip is a bad memory of how the regal Speaker has overreached and undergrasped.

Most Missed Higher-Education Story: That the kind of boozy sexual exploitation that led to the (demonstrably false) accusations against Duke lacrosse players is an ordinary part of most university campuses and though not limited to sports teams is often nurtured among them. Sooner or later Uncle Sam should decide whether Title IV funds should go to universities that compromise education with the toleration of binge drinking and consequent exploitative sexual behavior.

Most Wished for Event That Didn’t Happen: The death of Fidel Castro. Well, there’s always 2008. Maybe we can all celebrate New Year’s Eve in a free Havana.

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*Normally, we hyperlink SWNIDisms to relevant web sites. For this article, we forgo that service, suggesting that we would not be the blogger that gentle readers deserve if we did for them what they can do for themselves. So we recommend that gentle readers wanting background use the convenient “search blog” feature at the top left of the page, then open another window or tab on their browsers and do additional searching.