Monday, March 27, 2006

SWNID Announces "Preferences for Travel Accommodations"

In light of the MSM's revelations that Dick Cheney wants Sprite and Fox News in his hotel room, and the extensive revelations of John and Theresa Kerry's travel preferences on the always-subversive (no tomato products for the husband of the ketchup heiress!), SWNID is proud to announce his own preferences for food and lodging while on the road--or at home, for that matter.

Our requests reflect our sophisticated tastes and wide experience of the world. As we travel, we ask to be provided with:

  • Plenty of Welch's 100% grape juice and V-8
  • Bottled water chilled to 32.5 degrees Fahrenheit, both still and sparkling (French brands acceptable)
  • Dry-roasted almonds, cashews, hazel nuts and peanuts (no Brazil nuts!)
  • Raisins and craisins (optionally mixed with nuts above)
  • Lunches and dinners consisting primarily of fresh vegetables and fruits prepared with minimal added fats, lean meats and fish, absolutely no organ meats or beets
  • Breakfasts offering either oatmeal (with raisins, cocoanut and brown sugar, never instant), eggs (soft boiled or omelets), or whole wheat toast with peanut butter (Jif only)
  • Late-night access to Popeye's chicken, Chinese carryout, barbecue potato chips, and high-quality local pizza
  • TV tuned constantly to 24, The Simpsons, or The Godfather Parts 1-2
  • Top-line audio system with a wide selection of classical music and jazz (not smooth, and especially not Kenny G)
  • Rooms with outside ventilation and quiet air handlers
  • High speed internet access via desktop and wireless
  • Thick, solid-foam-rubber-filled pillows
  • Egyptian cotton towels and sheets
  • Anti-dandruff shampoo
  • Magnifying shaving mirror

Or we could go with this list.


Anonymous said...

funny stuff.

Dave said...

That reminded me of Norm McDonald when he used to do Weekend Update on SNL

"It was announced today that Kenny G will be releasing a Christmas album. Happy Birthday Jesus, I hope you like crap"

Anonymous said...

Yea for Jif! Choosy moms choose jif! -karpenske

The Bing said...

Why are we concerned about lean cuts when hanging out of Popeye’s? Speaking of Popeye’s if you can only stay in hotels located in Over the Rhine we need to speak to CCU about a raise!!