Monday, January 23, 2006

Fun Facts about Jack Bauer

We thank gentle reader Dave R for the following compendium of wisdom about our favorite cartoon character:

  • If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
  • Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
  • If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
  • Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
  • Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.
  • Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
  • Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
  • 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
  • Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
  • Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
  • Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
  • Let's get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
  • If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're history.
  • Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
  • When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
  • Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
  • In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
  • Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
  • As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
  • Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
  • If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
  • Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
  • Guns don't kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
  • Losing a colleague or loved one for Jack Bauer is comparable to the feeling of missing the elevator for most people.
  • No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a wimp" in a sentence and lived to tell
  • Every time Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
  • When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they get a group discount.

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